Have you ever been in an unhealthy romantic relationship? Wow – look at
that show of hands. Looks like most of us have. I don’t know how we get in to
these relationships, but I do know that it’s way easier than getting out of
them. I think that in the beginning all appears to be normal. Our attraction to
the person often overrides any initial doubt we may have. Then somehow, months
down the road, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships that aren’t life giving,
but tend to devalue us and invite all kinds of darkness into our lives –
anxiety, insecurity, and bitterness to name a few. In the midst of these
storms, it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to see and believe the truth when you’re
living in the dark.
I realized recently that though I’ve considered myself single for years, I’ve actually been in a serious, long-term relationship with one
of the worst boyfriends this world has ever seen, and I've decided to officially break
up. I met this “boyfriend” when I was young. We met about 20 years ago when I
was in a really vulnerable place. Looking back, I think he saw a scared little
girl and made his move. He knew that more than anything she wanted to feel in
control, safe and loved. Though that is nothing he could ever provide her, he
put on a mask and tricked her into thinking he could. They began to spend so much
time together that at some point along the way, being with him just seemed so
normal. Though she never felt safe or loved by him, he made her believe that
there was no way she could ever leave their relationship – she began to feel like
a prisoner. And what’s worse, when things in her life became rocky, he would
make her feel even more unworthy, sad, scared, and confused.
At this point, you're probably wondering who "he" is. You’ve no doubt met him before, and many
of you have been caught up in a scandalous affair with him as well – no, he has
not remained faithful to me only. His name is Fear, and as mentioned before, I’ve
made the decision recently to completely break up. And it’s not one of those
break ups where we are going to try to remain friends and stay in contact once
in a while. I know he wants that and more, but this has to be the most drastic
break up I’ve ever had. I’ve deleted his phone number and removed him from all
of my social media accounts. Though he tries to reach out (a lot), I make every
attempt to reject him. I am believing that as time moves on, he will try less
and less to engage with me and will eventually give up.
This is not a possible task on my own. You see, I’m in a new
relationship with Jesus. We’ve been together for about 7 years, and though I’ve
loved Him all along, it’s been hard to give myself fully
to Him because of my ongoing relationship with my ex – for they are enemies in
nature. Jesus is the most patient and gracious man that’s ever lived. So He’s waited
on me my whole life. Even in moments and seasons where I gave in fully to
Fear, He never left my side. Actually, He has drastically pursued me. He’s told
me all along that our relationship is a brand new beginning - I’m new and I don’t
have to give in to Fear anymore, for His perfect Love fights Fear. He’s the One
who’s told me to simply stop inviting Fear in, to stop talking to him and engaging
with him because I don’t have to anymore. My new relationship with Jesus is
full of unconditional love, peace, acceptance, and joy. And as I give more of
my time and energy to this relationship, there will not be room for the bad
ones. My new “boyfriend” wants all of me – because I actually belong to Him and
no one else.
This is not going to be an easy journey. I am aware that at any moment,
Fear could show up at my front door and remind me of lies that I have believed
for so long. But I’m making a choice. I’m choosing Jesus. I’m choosing Love. I’m
choosing to believe what He tells me, which sounds really different and strange
because I've spent so much of my life listening to my ex. I believed his lies and
manipulations: “you’re not really loved”, “you can’t do this”, “what will they
think of you?”, “you’re never going to be free of this”, “this is the way it is
so get used to it”, and “you’re not good enough”. It’s sad that this went on
for so long, but I’m eternally grateful that Jesus rescued me and has remained
faithful to me all of these years. I can’t ever repay Him and He doesn’t ask
me to. He’s Love. He just desires to love me in ways I only dreamt of and
always thought were for others and not myself. I was wrong. I am worthy of His
love, simply because He says so. I’m His, and I can’t wait to see our story
unfold. So, goodbye, Fear – I don’t want
to hear your voice or see your face again. You look and sound completely
different than Jesus, and He is the one I choose to listen to and look at for
the rest of my days.
Amen.
Such love has no fear, because
perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment,
and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. (1 John
4:18 NLT)
