Soul Seasons

Have you ever moved into a new season without realizing it? I think that's pretty normal. Or at least I hope it is because it's happened to me more than once!

It's easy to detect that new seasons are beginning when physical changes are happening. We move, we get married, we get new jobs, we have children, and each big change is a new season. This is true, but what about the intangible seasons? What about the soul seasons? Are they always in line with the physical ones?

I've gone through a lot of changes in the past five years. I've held three different jobs, lived in two foreign countries, learned a whole new language, welcomed three new nephews and a niece into my life, and made countless new friends from all over. The new places and jobs definitely feel like new seasons. It's easy to say "goodbye" to the old place or job and "hello" to the new one. It's natural to physically move on and declare you're starting anew. But what's happening in the heart and soul?  Do they naturally move on in the same way? Is it suddenly "goodbye" and "hello" where the matters of the heart are concerned?

Recently I've discerned that I need to say "goodbye" to a certain season so I can really move forward in a new one. The soul searching began when the church I've been part of for the past five years moved to a new building downtown. It has been the most joyful time I've seen the church experience, and it's a dream that many have held for a decade or longer. The first services were exciting and the freshly painted walls were filled with chatter of awe and laughter.

I'll never forget the first Sunday in the new church. I sat in a pew by myself crying the whole service. I had a similar experience on Dedication Sunday two months later, only it was even more depressing. I've never felt that alone in such a crowded place before. For everyone else it was like a long-awaited wedding, and for me it was like a funeral.

Since my reaction was so strange and unnerving, I began to ask God what was going on. I spent time praying and reflecting and talking to dear ones. It became clear that I had entered a grieving process. I didn't even know I needed to grieve, but I did. I actually had no idea that I was still trying to live in an old season that had ended.

This identified season was the time during my first few years as a Christian. Everything about the faith was exciting. I was starving to know more about the Lord, and my church felt like home, and the people felt like family. I loved Jesus with such passion and excitement, and felt a similar (but lesser) adoration of my church.

This was my state when I left to live and serve in the Dominican Republic for three years. And after years of growing and changing and loving a new church there, coming back here to the prior church was very different, even difficult. I actually didn't know how different until a year later when the move happened and my world changed. The physical newness caused my spirit to realize that the joyful time of first meeting Christ and growing so rapidly in Him and loving wholeheartedly my first church home was over. Not that my relationship or love for Him is less or could ever end, but that particular season in that particular place had ended. Now I'm in a place of grieving the loss, seeing the gain, and discerning what it means for my future.

Let's think about where we are. God knows. Do we know? Do we know where we've come from? Have we let go of and grieved certain seasons that may have seemed to be "the best" and now not having them seems like "the worst"? It's important to think about. We are complex creatures and a lot is going on inside. If we don't pay attention to it, it can become that very cluttered closet that gets lightly organized once a year, but never really cleaned out. And things are happening and changing, but the closet remains untouched and messy. Let's go into that place. Sort through some things. Look through old coats and sweaters and pictures and vases and knickknacks. See what we need to throw out, what we are holding onto that we shouldn't, and what we really need to let go of. Maybe it's something that we definitely should keep, but it probably needs dusting or a good dry cleaning before being pulled out again.

Knowing what season we're in is truly important, not just in a general sense - married with kids, single, student, etc.- but in a specific sense to who we are and what our experience has been. I think time can move on and we think we are in the same space, but we're really not and shouldn't be. Not only do places and people and jobs change, but we do as well. Our hearts do. And if we're not in tune with the soul seasons, there is no way to grieve the physical changes well. I believe that often times soul seasons are changing before a physical one ever does, but we allow the physical one to proceed it and then play catch up. I'm now praying for a heightened awareness of future soul seasons and healing from past ones. This way I can be sure to take full advantage of exactly where I am, knowing where I've come from and being excited about where I'm going.

Desires: Good, bad, ugly?

I've been thinking recently about desires. There seems to be different thoughts around this topic, especially in the Church. I've gotten the impression from many Christians and church doctrines that if something is God's will, it's going to be hard or ugly or undesirable. I don't think this is true. Can He surprise us with what He puts in our path? Sure. Can the path He calls us to be challenging to be point of suffering? Yes. But I no longer think there is a disconnect between what we want and what God wants. I think that we are created with good desires. However, how we behave in order to make those desires a reality can be ugly. How we become discontent in waiting on God to act and fulfill our desires can lead us to undesirable things. But I don't believe that God's will for us and our deepest desires and dreams are disconnected. I think He knows us better than we know ourselves, and when we follow Him, He really gives us what we want. So at times what He calls us to may not make total since at first. But I believe it is always what we want and need at our core.

I'm speaking from experience, but I think many of us think certain desires must be wrong. A few examples would be sexual desires, desires to be known, desires to be loved, desires to have abundance (of whatever), and desires to have fun. What if none of these are wrong or bad? What if these are good desires God gives us because He actually fulfills them? What if He created us this way? I think there is little wrong with wanting to be known or loved, but I think it is wrong to depend on people to fulfill that because inevitably they fail or disappoint us. However, we are known and deeply loved - so our desires are not bad, but in this "off kilter" world, they become skewed and impure.

Take a look at desires you have. Before you beat yourself up for it and try to suppress them, ask yourself why you desire that and how it's being fulfilled. Ask God to show you as well. Maybe you desire an abundance of money. Is that bad? Is God not a God of abundance, and you His child of abundance? But, why do you want an abundance of money? Where is your heart in it? And what would you do with it if you had the amount you wish for? See, it's not about the desire in and of itself, but the heart behind it. Maybe you desire abundance because you were created for it, but you were never created to be greedy, jealous, or prideful. So the problem does not lie in the original desire, but in the pursuit of the desire or meaning of it, which can be ugly at times.

I want to give you an illustration. Someone desires to kill another person. They're part of a gang that exalts killing people and treats it as something necessary for belonging to their group. This person's desire is to kill, but what was their original desire? Was it to kill someone or was it to be loved and accepted, something they probably never received as a child? Their desire to be part of something that made them feel like they belonged turned very ugly when they couldn't find it, when people around them constantly rejected them through abuse or neglect. Being part of a hateful group was probably not something they imagined for themselves as a child, but as they grew older with the desire to still feel like they belonged (which is how they're made) they turned to the only group of people who offered them "hope and a future", even if it was fake.

I think this intense illustration is important because this truth applies at all levels. And the root desire, the one God gave us, can be skewed and the enemy can put temptations in our path to deceive us and lead us down a path of destruction. The original desire was not bad, but the outcome can be when we follow anyone but God in pursuing it. Anyways, friend, don't suppress your desires or try to get rid of them. Just ask God to purify them and make them whole like they once were. Without those desires you will not be you, and you will not be able to experience God fully.