My First Love

I want to tell you about the first time I fell in love. I've decided to be vulnerable, especially because I know that not all readers will be able to relate to or understand this experience. 

When I met the person I love more than anything, I was totally lost. I was dead actually. I remember writing in my journal in times of desperation. I wrote often that there was something missing. I didn't know how else to describe it. And it wasn't a momentary or shallow need. It was something deep - and when I figured out what it was, I'd be complete or happy or better or something. These were relatively small expectations for what really happened when He walked into my life.

I am aware that it bothers people when I say that I fell madly in love with Jesus. I don't think it's understandable or believable or comfortable for many. But all of who I am is wrapped up in who He is. And I can't make it understandable or believable or comfortable, but I believe everybody deserves to be heard and valued and known, and without Jesus, my story is nothing, and really I'm nothing.

So. I love Jesus. I fell in love with Him. When I opened the door to Him through prayer, He stepped into my life. Where I was empty, I became full. Where I had been confused, I received peace. And where nothing made sense, then everything made sense. And I found who my heart really loved and trusted. Immediately. Words will never be able to explain the experience, or what the journey has been like these past six years with Him. He has changed me in every way. He set me on fire and now I know who I am. 

It's funny because it's not unlike other relationships in life. There is no way for it to go deeper or be sustained without work. There are moments of doubt and unbelief and sadness and confusion. Thankfully these are all on my end. One of us is perfect. He's the perfect Father. He looks at me with love all the time. He's never mad at me even if He doesn't agree with a decision or something that I do. I can not imagine not knowing the one who made me and has done everything to ensure we could be together forever. 

Sometimes I need to go back to Jesus. As my walk with Him moves on, my human flesh can feel bored and be enticed and tempted by the fast-paced glitzy life around me. And somehow I get wrapped up in thinking that I'll find my answers and full life there. But then He calls me back. I remember the one who set my soul on fire and whose pure existence is love, peace, joy, goodness, kindness, patience, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. He has the best heart and I believe it beats for me, for His children. 

I love Jesus. He is the center of my story. In Him, I have everything.