Disappointment

Disappointment is an ugly word - it's an ugly thing as well, and I think just about every human has experienced it. It is defined as the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations. Yeah, that's ugly.

To be honest, in the past year I have experienced such disappointment with certain things that just this morning I woke up feeling that I couldn't bare anymore. I actually recently asked God if He would completely erase the memory of a certain disappointment from my mind so I wouldn't feel any more pain from it. He didn't; and in recent days I've felt really discouraged.

I have decided it would be unwise and unnecessary to explain
publicly what exactly this disappointment is, but I do want to communicate that I have a deep desire for something that I could see and almost touch this past year. There was a time when I felt that God was actually fulfilling my heart's desire, but it turns out that it was just brushing my fingers and not something I would ever grasp in my hands. I've felt it drifting away from me for months, and I now feel I'm at a place where I must let go of it completely; and I feel disappointed. It is not my perfect situation for this moment, but I believe in a perfect God and I'm feeling His presence regarding this certain situation more than ever.

Through experiencing one of the most impactful disappointments I've had thus far in life, I've realized that this will not be the last of my disappointments. Even when I can grasp what the Lord is going to give me, I must not hold on too tight, because that too will one day disappoint. This imperfect world is disappointing when your expectations and hopes and dreams rest in its things and people and places.

So, where must I go with my disappointments, and how must I posture my heart so I do not continue in a pattern of disappointment? The truest answer I can give is Jesus. I have nothing else, and I have no other choice because there is no other real solution. In the past, I have watched Him take really broken parts of me and restore them fully; I have gone to Him with lots of burdens and come away feeling as light as a cloud. I do not think that God is going to answer my prayer and completely erase the memory of this certain disappointment, but I do believe He is going to use it to teach me to put all of my expectations and hope in Him. Every single time I come before Him, and enter into a time of prayer/hanging out with Him, I come away 100% better than I did coming in. It is an incredible alternative to sulking in what never will be or what never was.

Please join me in not letting people, places, and things disappoint you anymore. I figure if I am seeking whole-heartedly after God and am submitting myself to His will, I will not be disappointed. And if my expectations change, perhaps I will not be let down as frequently. My expectations must be more in line with what God's expectations are, what His mindset is. This is my biggest prayer right now, that my mind is more like Christ's in everything I do and in every relationship. That I not live according to Mallory and her wants or needs, but according to God and what He wants.

Let's keep being found in Christ. Let's keep allowing His presence to renew us and give us new perspectives. And let's expect from God; He has already given us all things.

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:5

The Strangers Among Us

It is interesting how as you journey through life, with your own ideas about what you are supposed to be doing and trying hard to live out the passions God has given you, different things come up that leave you in a position that you really weren't expecting. Some of these things are considered positive, others negative; this happened in my own life recently, and I find my circumstance to be very positive as I've been caused to give thought and attention to a group of people I had never before considered.

After changing my mind this summer about attending seminary, I was forced to be in a place where I really didn't know what direction my life was heading in or what I was going to do for work. After a couple of months of fretting and being stretched to trust God more than ever before, I accepted a job with the YMCA as a Site Coordinator for their Community HOPE program in a Hispanic community. I won't go into detail about how this job surfaced or the perfect timing that it was, but I saw God's faithfulness in a remarkable way. It was literally plopped into my lap and was well above anything I imagined for myself in this next chapter of life. I have now completed one week of work and my thoughts about the position and my role there are now drastically different than they were before I started.

Have you ever given thought to the immigrants and aliens who live among us? Whether they are your next door neighbor or just the men you see working at the construction site down the road, have you considered them? Their lives, their struggles, their own passions, their faith: have you ever thought about those things?

I can honestly say I really hadn't. I suppose that my short time in Guatemala and my longer stint in the Dominican Republic opened me up to this idea of aliens living in a foreign land. Besides being an alien myself in these places, I was often surrounded by people who longed to travel to or live in the U.S. or who had family members living there already. But I never considered how they are treated once they get there; I definitely didn't think about how I was called to treat them.

Because of my new position, where I will be serving families from different Hispanic countries, I have been thinking more of how to approach this as a follower of Christ and a daughter of the Most High God. To be honest, I've always felt a bit uncomfortable on the topic and often avoided digging deep because I think that a lot of the immigrants are illegal. Whether that is true or not, I assume that many are here illegally, and since I believe in following the law as much as I believe I should love and serve all people, I have been confused at my approach to this people group.

God met me in the midst of my thoughts and doubts as I attended a Christian community development conference this week for work. I attended a workshop on this exact topic. It was inspiring. There are really dedicated and passionate people around the country, and in my own city, who are fighting for the rights of the immigrants, helping to meet their needs and to raise awareness that the way they are treated here is not Biblically sound, and that we have been doing a less than sufficient job of loving the alien among us.

When Moses is speaking to the Israelites in Deuteronomy 10, he says, "For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt." I absolutely love how just God is. He shows no favoritism; He is totally just and right all of the time. It makes total since that God would love the alien along with the fatherless and widow; they are of the most vulnerable people, weak and easily targeted when they are far from home and in an unfamiliar land. They have no power, and in my experience with God and in accordance with what His word says, God's power rests on the weak and faint-hearted (2 Corinthians 12:10).

So, though I know we were not part of this original audience and we live in a totally different place and time, I have to wonder what God would say to us today about how the immigrants, illegal and legal, are treated in our country today. God seems to uphold justice for them as He declares in Exodus 13:49 while giving law to the Israelites for Passover, "The same law applies to the native-born and to the alien living among you."  He values them. Later in chapter 23 of Exodus, He says, "Do not oppress an alien; you yourselves know how it feels to be aliens, because you were aliens in Egypt." He wants to protect them as well.

Maybe you have never personally oppressed an alien, but as a Christian, do you welcome them?  Do you defend them? Do you consider their circumstances, and no matter what mistakes they have made as a broken human, realize how hard it must be to be far from family and live in a place where they are undoubtedly seen as unequal? I was personally convicted by these questions. While looking up some antonyms of the word oppression, I found words such as help, kindness, blessing. I can't say that I have treated the aliens among me in such a way in my lifetime. God, forgive me.

There is much more I could say on this topic; I received wonderful information and insight at the workshop from the people who are at the front lines fighting for this cause. But all I really want to do is put my own thoughts and convictions out there, and hope that we will begin to act differently toward these people who have been outcast due to the color of their skin and nationality, not matter if they were born here or not. Let us come before God and ask how He would want us to live among the U.S. immigrant. Does He want us to continually ignore, oppress, and judge them? Or does He want us to begin showing hospitality, which actually comes from the root word philoxenia - the love of strangers.

I've known God for five years now and I can safely say that He wants us to begin serving them, loving them, and showing them who He is. Building relationship with them is a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel as God's ultimate plan is unraveled. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name- Psalm 86:9. As one man proclaimed at the conference, "I believe that God is wanting to bring us a great blessing through this immigrant people, and we are completely shunning it." Join me, brothers and sisters, as we open our hearts and lives to the aliens living among us, who are highly favored by God just as we are.

Love and fear

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in the world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:16-18

Oh, how I love John. The first Bible study I ever did was of his gospel, where I officially accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. His words are so deep, just like the love he had for God. I think knowing that God really loves you is the most life-changing truth on earth. And John focuses on this love through his writing. I've read this passage time and time again, and tonight as I listened to a sermon about guilt and regret, I came back to it.

What an icky feeling. Regret. I've felt and experienced it lately after going through a difficult transition back to life in the U.S. When I was hurting and confused, I blamed myself. I blamed myself for making the decision to come back and for bringing those challenges and feelings upon myself. This isn't the first time I felt as though I had made my bed so I should lie in it. The real problem, as God showed me, was not if I had made the right decision, but how I was feeling about it.

I want to pull out verse 18 from above: "But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." To be totally honest, I never understood this really, especially the punishment part. Whenever I think about the fears I have, and how Love has driven them out or how I want Him to, I don't think about punishment. It's just not something I've ever felt scared of. I believe that Jesus paid the ultimate price for my sins so I will not be punished (Hallelujah!). So, in my case, how does fear have to do with punishment?

If I continue to live in regret and guilt, regretting decisions I've made or feeling guilty about the way I handled a situation, I am basically saying I deserve punishment. When I am regretful of something, I am believing that things are the way they are because of what I did and therefore I must suffer through it. I think God is telling me through His word that this mindset is not right and is not of Christ. Not only did He set me free from eternal damnation, but He also set me free from feelings like these.

This was a wake-up call to me tonight because I have never thought about the damage I am doing to myself. I never thought I was punishing myself, but that's exactly what I'm doing! And as God's precious daughter, I have no right to be passing judgment, especially on myself. Let me stop now and continue to move forward, trusting in God more than my own ability to make really great decisions so I'll never regret anything or feel guilty for not doing something. Let me live in the light and love of God instead of the in the regret and guilt of the evil one.

I encourage you, reader, to join me and let go of all regrets and guilt. Let them go to God because He can handle them. Then walk forward in bold confidence because when Christ died for you, He died to set you free! Totally. Completely. Forever and ever. Amen.

Who am I and what am I doing?

The title of this blogpost poses two good and important questions - questions that I have wrestled with over the past month or so. It's interesting how that happens. I hadn't really asked myself either of those questions in years; I guess because I thought I knew. However, when you are at a place of uncertainty or lack of direction in life, you, or rather I, tend to doubt that I really do know - who am I and what am I doing?

As most of my readers know, I moved back from the Dominican Republic in June 2014 after living there for almost three years serving at-risk children in a local school. It was a big and quite bold decision to leave, and I don't think I really understood the largeness of it at the time. I came back because I truly felt led to do so. I felt that if I were to spend my life serving others and working in ministry, having some formal education and training in ministry would be helpful. Thus, I left my life there with the hope of beginning classes at a seminary this coming fall. It seemed like a wonderful plan - so wonderful that I decided to nix it all together a few weeks ago. And so, here I am, weighted with the questions, who am I and what am I doing?

To be honest, it has been a difficult few weeks. I've felt lost, confused, regretful, and sad - knowing I've chosen to leave a place I loved only to find myself confused in a place I once called home, that quite honestly feels foreign for the most part. Until the past few days, I had lost confidence entirely in my decision. There has been nothing to look forward to, no job, no school, no purpose. My insecurity has skyrocketed.

Thankfully, after much searching and distress, I've come to some life-changing realizations. First of all, it seems that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions. It seems to me that a lot of people in their 20's are searching, to know their gifts, passions, what they really like to do. It has comforted me to hear recently, "Oh yeah, I change my mind all the time about what I'm doing," and "I've had like three jobs in the past five years." I think it's a big time of self-discovery, and living in a culture that encourages that, we find ourselves switching things up quite regularly.

Besides the comfort I have gotten from others with similar feelings, I have felt the most comfort from the realization that I am God's daughter. And because I'm His daughter and He loves me, what I do has sort of been minimized. In a week I have gone from a wallowing sadness that I have no idea what I want or who I am, to hearing gentle whispers saying that I belong to Him and that's all that really matters. It's interesting that I've known this truth for about five years now, but I think I've only really grasped it for the past week. Wouldn't it be like God to use one of my weakest moments to teach one of His greatest truths?

I still stumble through telling strangers who I am and what I'm doing because I really am not sure what my next job will be or how my future will look. Then again, who does? Things are always changing and the longer I live on this earth, I'm finding fewer and fewer things to hold onto. Now, I feel like I have a truth I want to hold onto. I am a daughter of the Living God. Not even time can take that away from me. So, as I walk forward, with my head held high, I declare that I am God's daughter. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I don't care as much anymore... because I know I'm His.

And, "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:18)

Where is home?

This is a difficult question to answer once you physically leave home. Home, I think, is generally thought of as the place where you grew up, where your roots are. Again, what happens when you create roots somewhere else? Is the question really that simple? After leaving my own home and serving as a missionary for nearly three years in the Dominican Republic, with only short stents in other places, I've been prompted to think about this more. Besides the fact that I myself started feeling that the D.R. was another home, and lived among people who felt like family, I have now met and known people that have spent a grand majority of their lives in countries that are not their "own". Many that I have met have spent decades in a country they did not grow up in, and some are being raised in that country, away from the place where everyone looks like them and where their extended family lives. I remember when I first started getting to know a fellow missionary who had spent a decade in the D.R. She expressed the confusion it often brought to her and her family, especially in times of traveling back and forth. I met her very shortly after she had returned from living in the States for a year for her family's missionary furlough. I loved what she said. It went something like this, "After a while you get sort of confused about where you belong and where your real home is, but I feel like I have a stronger sense that Heaven is my real home, and is where I really belong." As I have now moved back to my original home in Raleigh and certainly feel at home, close to a place and people that are very familiar, I still feel different, marked by another place and people who became my home for a short time.

Because of my fellow missionary's impacting words, I have been thinking about God's promises of a place that will be new to us, but that is eternal and has been prepared for us. In the book of Revelation, John writes, "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea" (Revelation 21:1). Time and time again, God speaks about the temporariness of life of this earth, and about the place that awaits us. Jesus says, "In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you" (John 14:2). And Paul writes to the Corinthians an incredibly powerful statement. He says, "For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked" (2 Corinthians 5:1-3). 

It is unmistakable that there is a heaven that awaits us, and that Christ will make all things new when He returns. There is no other real, lasting comfort and hope in this life. His love is bigger than any and every circumstance, and His truth is the only truth that stands forever. As things change in my own life, and I am facing a brand new chapter, I am beyond comforted by my God, who never changes and who will continue to be faithful. And no matter where we go, He is with us; and no matter what new homes we make, it can not compare with the eternal home that awaits us. Thanks, God, because "if I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast" (Psalm 139:9-10).

Where does our confidence lie?

Recently, I believe God has been allowing certain circumstances, thoughts, feelings and other people to bring to my heart a theme of confidence and sufficiency, or rather insufficiency. As humans living in this broken world, how easy and tempting it is to feel unconfident or insufficient. A man is praised when he does something "good", when he is "good at something", or when he performs in a way that people want him to. As a result of this, it's not surprising that people often feel that they will not live up to other's standards, and that they are not sufficient enough to receive praise. As humans, we are often scared of failing, and when an opportunity arises and there is chance of that, our insecurities surface quickly. If we find our identity and self-worth in lack of failure, or in how good we are in the world's eyes, how sad and empty will we be when there are failures or letdowns; and these are inevitable because of our broken condition.

Yes, our condition is broken, but the God who created the heavens and the earth is not. He is also the God who created man and woman, which He made in his own image (Genesis 1:27). He was not the one who intended for them to feel insecure. After Adam and Eve were created, Genesis 2:25 says that, "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame." The first time that they felt shame and were scared can be found in Genesis 3:10 after they have been deceived by the serpent, when God asks Adam and Eve where they are. Adam responds, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." God did not intend for us to feel scared, ashamed, unconfident, or insufficient; that happened after our fall.

But why should we feel confident and sufficient enough? Well, Genesis tells us that God created us, and David writes in Psalm 139:13-14, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." If we agree with David, if we think that God is perfect and that His works are good, why then do we not think that we are good enough if we are one of His works? Sure, we make mistakes and have weaknesses and are unholy, but God never makes mistakes, and He is holy. And as stated previously, we are made in His image. The point is that we can think of ourselves as good enough because of Him, because He is good enough. God's purposes are perfect, and He has purpose in every single one of our lives. We can rest in Him and have assurance of who we are in Him. 1 John 3:19-20 says, "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

So, the next time we are lied to by the enemy or by other's, feeling as though we are insufficient and undeserving, let us stand firm in His word and in the truth that we were created by a perfect God who never makes mistakes, who gave us specific gifts, talent and beauty to be used for His glory! How special is that compared to using these gifts to get ahead in the world and to be sufficient enough, when God already believes that we are and He just wants us to believe it too. And anytime you feel unloved or unworthy, remember this proof that you are not:  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).

I am thankful to the LORD for what He has revealed to me. My prayer is that I will be able to live as one who finds her identity and self-worth in the Lord, in who she is in Him and that she was made by His perfect hands. And as I reflect upon all of this, I think of the beautiful Dominican children that I serve. They need to know how beautiful they are and how special God made them to be. They need to find their self-worth in Him and in the truth that He is for them and with them always. Please help me pray that I will be able to teach and demonstrate this love to them! May God bless you richly, just because you are His.

Blessings through obedience

The longer I live as a believer of the Lord Jesus Christ, the more I believe in God’s blessings, and that the all-powerful, all-knowing God, without Whom nothing would exist, wants us to be blessed, to be full, to be healthy, to be whole. We are His, and as He explains through Luke in His scriptures, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” I believe that God is explaining to His children, and even more specifically to parents, that if you long to give good things to your children and comply with what they ask if it’s in their best interest, why would the Father, being holy and perfect, not do the same, or a million times more than that.

Ever since I accepted God’s gift of salvation through His Son Jesus Christ and received the Holy Spirit, I have been able to understand God’s way and His word in a way that I was not able to before. This is not surprising as it’s written in 2 Corinthians 3:16 that “whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.” Ever since this remarkable, life-changing instance, I believe that I have more understanding of God’s law—it’s purpose and importance. As the Lord spoke to me this morning, mainly through Psalm 119, I felt that I gained even more understanding about the blessings that come through obedience to His way and His law.

When it comes to blessings through obedience, we must remember that God’s ways and His thoughts are much higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9). They are perfect. This means that a blessing through obedience could look very different than receiving some desired material item because you follow God’s laws, or things going exactly the way that you want. I do not believe that being a child of God means that our entire lives will run smoothly and be trouble-free. That is not what the Word teaches us, and thankfully we do not have to win our salvation or His blessings through our actions or performance.  However, I do believe that one great function of God’s laws is to protect us and to prosper us, that He wants us to keep His precepts because it is the best for us and because it brings glory to the King of Glory.

I remember shortly after becoming a Christian, about four years ago, the Holy Spirit began revealing all of this to me. He said, “Mallory, I want you to stop doing this thing because it’s hurting you and I don’t want that. I love you.” (Whenever I feel that I’m hearing God’s voice, it’s all about His love for me- Glory be to His great name.) As we begin eliminating certain sins from our lives, we begin to receive God’s blessings. I do not believe that God is watching down on us from heaven and when we start living life according to His laws, He gives us something we want as a pat on the back. Or that He punishes us if we start veering from His path as a spanking on the butt. However, it is quite logical that the “rules and regulations” that the perfect Lord God Almighty gave to us when we became imperfect are perfect in themselves. So, if we follow them and are obedient to them and to His voice in our lives, we will receive that blessing that is ours to keep in Christ Jesus.

As a quick example, recently I have wanted to wake up earlier to spend more time with God, praying, reading His word and meditating. I know this is something God wants for me as He speaks countless times in His word about making Him first in our lives. When I am tired and want to spend a few more minutes in bed, or when I’d rather use that time exercising and do not take the time to be with Him, my day goes differently. My heart and spirit are not as joyful, peaceful, or calm. When I do take that time in the morning, I am blessed. I do not receive anything material and my day is not mess free, but it does go differently because of my attitude and reaction to everything. This is 100% from the Lord-- the benefit of focusing on Him before I engage in anything, and just one example of the blessings that come from seeking Him and following His word. Whenever I feel that the Lord is leading me away from something or toward something, if I am obedient to that, the blessing is just there: HIS blessing.

Yes, God brought me back to this theme in the morning through Psalm 119, and what a beautiful prayer it is for His children.

I am laid low in the dust,

Preserve my life according to your word.

I recounted my ways and you answered me;

Teach me your decrees.

Let me understand the teaching of your precepts;

Then I will meditate on your wonders.

My soul is weary with sorrow;

Strengthen me according to your word.

Keep me from deceitful ways;

Be gracious to me through your law.

I have chosen the way of truth;

I have set my heart on your laws.

I hold fast to your statues, O Lord;

Do not let me be put to shame.

I run in the path of your commands,

For you have set my heart free.

 

Teach me, O Lord, to follow your decrees;

Then I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding, and I will keep your law

And obey it with all my heart.

Direct me in the path of your commands,

For there I find delight.

Turn my heart toward your statues

And not toward selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things,

Preserve my life according to your word.

Psalm 119:25-37 NIV

God bless you and keep you.