Soul Seasons

Have you ever moved into a new season without realizing it? I think that's pretty normal. Or at least I hope it is because it's happened to me more than once!

It's easy to detect that new seasons are beginning when physical changes are happening. We move, we get married, we get new jobs, we have children, and each big change is a new season. This is true, but what about the intangible seasons? What about the soul seasons? Are they always in line with the physical ones?

I've gone through a lot of changes in the past five years. I've held three different jobs, lived in two foreign countries, learned a whole new language, welcomed three new nephews and a niece into my life, and made countless new friends from all over. The new places and jobs definitely feel like new seasons. It's easy to say "goodbye" to the old place or job and "hello" to the new one. It's natural to physically move on and declare you're starting anew. But what's happening in the heart and soul?  Do they naturally move on in the same way? Is it suddenly "goodbye" and "hello" where the matters of the heart are concerned?

Recently I've discerned that I need to say "goodbye" to a certain season so I can really move forward in a new one. The soul searching began when the church I've been part of for the past five years moved to a new building downtown. It has been the most joyful time I've seen the church experience, and it's a dream that many have held for a decade or longer. The first services were exciting and the freshly painted walls were filled with chatter of awe and laughter.

I'll never forget the first Sunday in the new church. I sat in a pew by myself crying the whole service. I had a similar experience on Dedication Sunday two months later, only it was even more depressing. I've never felt that alone in such a crowded place before. For everyone else it was like a long-awaited wedding, and for me it was like a funeral.

Since my reaction was so strange and unnerving, I began to ask God what was going on. I spent time praying and reflecting and talking to dear ones. It became clear that I had entered a grieving process. I didn't even know I needed to grieve, but I did. I actually had no idea that I was still trying to live in an old season that had ended.

This identified season was the time during my first few years as a Christian. Everything about the faith was exciting. I was starving to know more about the Lord, and my church felt like home, and the people felt like family. I loved Jesus with such passion and excitement, and felt a similar (but lesser) adoration of my church.

This was my state when I left to live and serve in the Dominican Republic for three years. And after years of growing and changing and loving a new church there, coming back here to the prior church was very different, even difficult. I actually didn't know how different until a year later when the move happened and my world changed. The physical newness caused my spirit to realize that the joyful time of first meeting Christ and growing so rapidly in Him and loving wholeheartedly my first church home was over. Not that my relationship or love for Him is less or could ever end, but that particular season in that particular place had ended. Now I'm in a place of grieving the loss, seeing the gain, and discerning what it means for my future.

Let's think about where we are. God knows. Do we know? Do we know where we've come from? Have we let go of and grieved certain seasons that may have seemed to be "the best" and now not having them seems like "the worst"? It's important to think about. We are complex creatures and a lot is going on inside. If we don't pay attention to it, it can become that very cluttered closet that gets lightly organized once a year, but never really cleaned out. And things are happening and changing, but the closet remains untouched and messy. Let's go into that place. Sort through some things. Look through old coats and sweaters and pictures and vases and knickknacks. See what we need to throw out, what we are holding onto that we shouldn't, and what we really need to let go of. Maybe it's something that we definitely should keep, but it probably needs dusting or a good dry cleaning before being pulled out again.

Knowing what season we're in is truly important, not just in a general sense - married with kids, single, student, etc.- but in a specific sense to who we are and what our experience has been. I think time can move on and we think we are in the same space, but we're really not and shouldn't be. Not only do places and people and jobs change, but we do as well. Our hearts do. And if we're not in tune with the soul seasons, there is no way to grieve the physical changes well. I believe that often times soul seasons are changing before a physical one ever does, but we allow the physical one to proceed it and then play catch up. I'm now praying for a heightened awareness of future soul seasons and healing from past ones. This way I can be sure to take full advantage of exactly where I am, knowing where I've come from and being excited about where I'm going.