Who am I and what am I doing?

The title of this blogpost poses two good and important questions - questions that I have wrestled with over the past month or so. It's interesting how that happens. I hadn't really asked myself either of those questions in years; I guess because I thought I knew. However, when you are at a place of uncertainty or lack of direction in life, you, or rather I, tend to doubt that I really do know - who am I and what am I doing?

As most of my readers know, I moved back from the Dominican Republic in June 2014 after living there for almost three years serving at-risk children in a local school. It was a big and quite bold decision to leave, and I don't think I really understood the largeness of it at the time. I came back because I truly felt led to do so. I felt that if I were to spend my life serving others and working in ministry, having some formal education and training in ministry would be helpful. Thus, I left my life there with the hope of beginning classes at a seminary this coming fall. It seemed like a wonderful plan - so wonderful that I decided to nix it all together a few weeks ago. And so, here I am, weighted with the questions, who am I and what am I doing?

To be honest, it has been a difficult few weeks. I've felt lost, confused, regretful, and sad - knowing I've chosen to leave a place I loved only to find myself confused in a place I once called home, that quite honestly feels foreign for the most part. Until the past few days, I had lost confidence entirely in my decision. There has been nothing to look forward to, no job, no school, no purpose. My insecurity has skyrocketed.

Thankfully, after much searching and distress, I've come to some life-changing realizations. First of all, it seems that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions. It seems to me that a lot of people in their 20's are searching, to know their gifts, passions, what they really like to do. It has comforted me to hear recently, "Oh yeah, I change my mind all the time about what I'm doing," and "I've had like three jobs in the past five years." I think it's a big time of self-discovery, and living in a culture that encourages that, we find ourselves switching things up quite regularly.

Besides the comfort I have gotten from others with similar feelings, I have felt the most comfort from the realization that I am God's daughter. And because I'm His daughter and He loves me, what I do has sort of been minimized. In a week I have gone from a wallowing sadness that I have no idea what I want or who I am, to hearing gentle whispers saying that I belong to Him and that's all that really matters. It's interesting that I've known this truth for about five years now, but I think I've only really grasped it for the past week. Wouldn't it be like God to use one of my weakest moments to teach one of His greatest truths?

I still stumble through telling strangers who I am and what I'm doing because I really am not sure what my next job will be or how my future will look. Then again, who does? Things are always changing and the longer I live on this earth, I'm finding fewer and fewer things to hold onto. Now, I feel like I have a truth I want to hold onto. I am a daughter of the Living God. Not even time can take that away from me. So, as I walk forward, with my head held high, I declare that I am God's daughter. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I don't care as much anymore... because I know I'm His.

And, "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters," says the Lord Almighty. (2 Corinthians 6:18)